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Miscarriage


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JoyLet’s have a chat about Miscarriage.  I know that this is a rather deep and dark place to start our coffee chats but I have a pang  in my heart that urges me to talk about this often “whispered” subject. 

The other morning I received a call from a friend who was possibly experiencing a miscarriage.  She was frightened, sobbing and freaked out.  This spurred my thinking of why is this subject so tough to talk about?

Okay, facts first….1 out of every 5 pregnancy’s end up in miscarriage.  At least that’s what our health care providers tell us when we are sitting in their office crying our eyes out.  We know that they are trying to console us by telling us how “common” it is, but does it help?

Natalie and I have both had the misfortune to venture down this road along with several of our friends and family.  1 out of 5 leaves a lot of pain lying around and lands on very familiar faces.  With all this familiarity you would think that the comforting  would come natural, but often (even though we’ve experienced the exact pain) the words are hard to come by.  Why is this? 

The conclusion I came to was that we all know the “right” words to say, but should we say them.  All too often I think we try to jump in and be the hero, the fixers, the psychologist, when all we need to be is a friend.  I fell right into this category when my friend called.  I just wanted to make her feel better.  I finally had an “ah ha” moment.  I don’t need to fix her, I just need to be there for her….with ears open and mouth shut.  If she asks, I will answer, but I don’t need to belittle her situation just because I’ve experienced it myself.  Nope, I need to let her have her own experience and deal with it how she needs to.

The grieving process is a tricky thing.  Everyone grieves very differently.  Some like to be held, some like to talk it out, some cry, some like to be alone and some like to do all the above!  I was the “all the above”, but at different times.  I remember lying in the hospital waiting to be taken back to surgery and just wanting Jesse to come and hold me.  Tears were  streaming down my cheeks and the nurse just  patting me on the arm.

Natalie:  Man Joy… you picked a tough one.  For me, my first miscarriage (yes, my first)  was  when I really experienced ” husband and wife”.  Andy and I had dated for over 7 years and married for a little more than 4 years when we first experienced the heartache of miscarriage.   Being together for more than 11 years, we were just itching to have a baby, we couldn’t wait to start a family!  You know, no one really ever explains that there are so many obstacles and difficulties when it comes to makin’ a baby!  You just assume when  you are ready, it’s gonna happen!  Well, it took several months and finally we were pregnant.  Such an exciting time…  our little world was changing.   A little after my 11th week,  it happened.  I could write the events of that night minute per minute, not missing one detail.    Such a vivid memory, every moment etched into my heart until the medicine began to make things a little blurry and then picking back up again…  my Paw-Paw’s face as they brought me out of  recovery… I remember.  Walking through my door without my baby in my belly… I remember.  Not wanting to see anyone… I remember.  The new sheets on my bed… I remember.  The phone call from the sweet lady who unknowingly, belittled my loss, because of hers… I remember.  The card that urged me not to blame God…I remember.  Scared to run into people out in public… I remember.   Those who choose to stay away… I remember.  Those who ran (literally) to my side in the emergency room… I remember.  Wanting to just go away and not come back… I remember.  My sweet husband, his words, his touch, his voice, him taking me away… I remember.  Oh my word Joy… I had forgotten how close I kept these memories. 

Joy:  Baby making is a complicated, emotional process that leaves a lot of scars on some of us.  We all know that God has it all under control, but we still have the emotions to deal with.  So, I guess you are all wondering where we are going with this….the answer is, I don’t know!  It was just something I felt we should open up and talk about.  There are so many of us who have experienced this pain.  Some are even experiencing this pain right now.  So maybe we should open the floor for discussion at this time.  We would love to hear your thoughts on this subject so if you don’t mind sharing, please comment in the comment section below.  We will try to reply back as frequently as possible to keep the conversation rolling. 

8 comments on “Miscarriage

  1. Jenifer on said:

    I think it’s easy to feel like a pariah or untouchable when you have a miscarriage. No one wants your “bad luck” or sadness around them so they act like nothing happened. Other people think they are doing you a favor by not talking about it – like some how that will help you “get over it” more quickly. And then you are left to grieve in silence. I have had two miscarriages – the second being the hardest because we saw the baby and the baby’s heartbeat. I decided that I would grieve, I would talk about Baby Myrtle (our nickname for the baby). Myrtle may not be here but she is a part of my story.

    • admin on said:

      Good point Jen, I think we do try and make people “get over it” too quickly and forget that, that was a life, a baby, and that griveing is healthy! God doesn’t say that we shouldn’t grieve….He invented it….He knew we needed to, to make us able to cope.

  2. Colleen on said:

    I’ve endured two miscarriages. I went through the whole “God is punishing me” stage of grief. I wanted to talk about it because somehow that made my babies real and not just “a bundle of tissue”. I berated myself for feeling sad because I already had two lovely healthy children. Ultimately, I acknowledged that God had a plan for me and fir my life and I trusted Him to carry me through this storm. Today, I am blessed with three beautiful kids and am grateful beyond measure for God’s grace. I am absolutely positive that I will meet and hold my unborn children one day in Heaven.

    It’s so difficult to know what to say to someone (or what not to say). We all handle this particular grief differently and sometimes what helps today will just hurt tomorrow. As friends, we offer a shoulder to cry on, perhaps a warm meal, and a heartfelt prayer for our sisters.

  3. I myself have had 2 miscarriages myself and I think people deal with it in their own way. I had people cry with me, hold me, and even people want me to “just get over it”. I am with Natalie and I remember every detail of the first one the most because I was 13 weeks. It is was HORRIBLE. I also think it puts ALOT of stress on other pregnancies (even the good ones) as well. When it happened to me I struggled a lot because there are a lot of people out there that easily get pregnant that are either not married, very young, or that don’t want to be pregnant. I also felt guilty at times too, like I didn’t do something right.

    The only thing that got me through was my faith in God that everything is HIS plan and that there is a reason for everything. I also know as a believer, we will see those little again ones day.

    Thanks for this post. Love you guys!!!!!

  4. Joy, I remember my experience very well, I was 18, newlywed and I woke up in extreme pain and was miscarrying before I new I was pregnant! I called my DR. emergency line and rushed to ER…still not for sure what was going on…he had called the ultrasound dept. and scheduled an ultrasound(not the outside of the belly kind)…this horrid sour puss of a lady took me in, done the ultrasound w/ no expression whatsoever and told me I could go home and see the Dr. on Monday….what !??? what’s going on I ask? she said, “oh, you just had a miscarriage…you’ll b fine” a miscarriage? I didn’t even know I was pregnant? She hurried me out…still no expression, then the Dr. does blood test all the next week to make sure it wasn’t a tubal….no expressions of sympathy, no concern at all from anyone….just a miscarriage they say…just a miscarriage…i felt robbed of my expressions….the joy, the sorrow, anger….a state of confusion was all there was. That experience really made me re-evaluate my choice in Doctors and hospitals.

    • Thank you all so much for your comments and stories of your pains and experience. You never know who you are helping right now by sharing.

    • Hey Laura, thanks so much for sharing your story. I agree with your last sentence… choice of doctors and hospital is so very important! With my first miscarriage, I was actually under another ob/gyn, who I had done a great job. But the night I went to the ER with my 1st miscarriage I met the ob/gyn who was on call. I honestly feel God put him in our path. Seven years later I have shared three wonderful healthy pregnancies and three very difficult miscariages. He and his nurses were amazing with every one of them. I actually joke around and tell him that Andy and I got pregnant the last two times just to hang out with him! That night at the ER, Dr. Edwards just sat at my side and held my hands at what seemed to be all night. He treated me with such great caution and respect, in the most kind way. He truly grieved with us and with each baby, he rejoiced with us! He has been a real blessing in our lives.
      With all this being said, with my last miscarriage, there was a lot of confusion. It was about a week before Christmas and I started to feel pretty rotten… I knew something was wrong. After a couple of trips to the doctors office for blood work, I was just going through the motions. I am sure it was the rush of the holiday fast approaching, but there was so much confusion between nurses, labs and myself. One was telling me the obvious, the other perscribing medicine to possibly boost my body to where it needed to be for pregnancy and then there I was knowing, but hoping. They were very upset at the confusion, but it didn’t make things any better. There was a day or two there where things were just unsure. It was a really hard time. Once everyone got on the same page, they were sorry at the confusion they had caused. I can’t imagine going through these loses in an enviroment of uncaring – caregivers! It is important to feel comfortable with your doctors. The choice in doctors and hospitals can make all the difference in the world. Again, I am so sorry for what you had to go through, but… I thank you for sharing.
      ~ Natalie

  5. Melissa on said:

    I know all too well the pain and agony that you ladies are discussing. After 3 years of fertility treatments, I finally was pregnant and could not have been more excited. Then, at 12.5 weeks, I received the worst news that I could have ever even imagined. My gift, my precious child, who I already believed was a boy, was gone. I can tell you every single detail of that week. I feel the pain even today. I lost a child. Others said “you lost a pregnancy” and I wanted to scream “I LOST MY BABY”. I grieved, I hurt, I was angry and I put on the face that people expect Christians to show. The one that says “I’m fine with God’s plan and I won’t show my emotions because it might make you uncomfortable”. I have learned a lot since then and through the loss of my second child. You know what, losing a baby is uncomfortable. It hurts and God knows the pain of losing a child. We should hold each other’s hand, or listen and certainly pray for each other. This subject is so near to my heart and I am so thankful friends like Natalie and Joy that loved me and my husband through these times and who will talk about it now.

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